something really got me thinking tonight. long post ahead~

ive been into all kinda of situations before, i dare not say that i have better experience than anybody, but i believe that those are enough to actually judge certain things.. and to be in this situation that cause me to still have such a feeling in me, it is even harder to ignore it, and even way harder to aknowledge it. i'd made a vow, i swore. i know that i gotta stop all these in order to finally act normal, but i made a terrible mistake tonight. after being proud of my success, i actually peeped, and my heart kinda stopped beating. i suddenly feel disappointed with myself for letting it affect me again.

here i am, questioning myself - why this feeling? what is happening? i thought... i thought... and i thought. but those were just assumptions, i guess, the true feeling is just there, but im avoiding it, & im not sure whether that is a good thing or not. i thought avoiding and ignoring will slowly fade things away, but it is making things worse coz' once you find out the real truth beneath everything, you just feel so stupid, dumb, idiotic and totally brainless. AND THAT IS WHAT IM FEELING NOW. stupid, seriously, i feel very stupid.

i am on the verge of crying now, but as i promise, NO MORE TEARS. sighs, this is a disappointing night; unveiling a deadly truth. a truth that has been kept for like almost 2 years now. it has been so long, huh? too long. i can never feel anymore dumber than this. nevertheless, i will get over it.
contradict the situation.